Friday, December 31, 2004

problems

1. my love life and the lack of it
2. i'm fat
3. ns is coming
-my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-i'm in ill health
-it's a complete waste of my time
4. my friends suck at the moment
-they're either not around (flor, charm, jo, mich)
-or busy (jill, darian, poyew, xiu etc)
-or plain shitty (yujie)
5. my parents expect too much of me
6. oxford rejected me
7. a lvl results are coming soon

ong yujie if u're actually reading this, pls get lost. and that is being polite.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

after 5 years,
people whom i think i can still communicate with:
  • xiu
  • jillian
  • michelia
  • florrine
  • charmian
  • liyang
  • rachel

people whom i'm not sure if i can communicate with (but a high chance):

  • jo
  • darian
  • yijing
  • poyew
  • chun wee
  • jen
  • nizam

people whom i dont think i can communicate with:

  • yujie
  • sherrie
  • shin chee
  • darice
  • um...practically everyone from church
  • ritchie

ok i've decided to give it one last push. i shall ask him over to watch boro vs united. see what happens. after this weekend, i wont be seeing him for really really long anw.

ok i'm gonna heck it all and if yujie visits, then tough. i feel like giving up on this friendship. i thought about this for a while now. just one of the many things troubling me. it's not working. we went out today and for abt 3 hrs, we didnt say much. it's so difficult to talk to him now. i remember the time that we could go on and on and talk for hours on end. and force ourselves off the phone, or force ourselves to go to bed. but today, our conversation seemed so jerky. he was busy scribbling stuff into his notebook, or he would be on the phone. and our conversation was full of superficialities. nothing substantial at all. if i had gone out with anyone else today, we'd probably have spoken so much within that period. sigh. yeh he just kept listening to me sigh. the saddest thing is that we kept saying we'd leave all our conversations to after the As. and now, after the As, yujie has changed so much. it's not me who changed i believe. cos alene and michelia etc feel that yujie has changed. for better or for worse? i dont know. he didnt use to stand me up that often.

i always feel that it's me putting in the effort. to call him, to msg him and things like that. things he doesnt bother to do unless he wants to inform me of anything. ok, to be fair, he did msg to ask if i was feeling better the morning i fell majorly sick. haha. but his msges seem to be getting colder. they're purely functional in purpose. i wonder if he'll feel sad if i died. ohwells, i'll def feel very sad if he died and now i'm beginning to question why.

sigh. he's like the first on my list of pple i wouldnt be able to communicate with after 5 years. yet, another part of me refuses to let this friendship go. i know inside me that if i need help, i might call him although he hasnt been of much help. i know that if he asks me for help, i will do the very best i can for him. i somehow know that i'll try to keep in contact with him. why? cos he's still my friend. am i being overly sentimental? perhaps...

i dont know if i shd let go. i really dont.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

ugh

right. back here to rant again.

my father has been absolutely pissy. ok. he did say my hair was nice. but that's all he was nice for. he's absolutely stubborn and ill-informed!! like really. ok, stop it dad. i know u want me to get an saf scholarship really really badly so u can be really really proud of me. but i am just not interested. and when i give u facts about scholars hitting the fields for 6 years...u doubt me. dont be so niave. singapore is out to numb the brains of scholars and that is a fact. the only good thing that has happened was the humans scholarship.

and i hope yujie doesnt come and visit. sigh. sometimes i wish he didnt have this url. but i cant really blame him. i think i'll move this site away soon. cos now i really cant write my deepest thoughts here. cos i'm always suspecting if he'll read this. which defeats the whole purpose. and my deepest thoughts are probably my deepest hurts and i never know when yujie might use my raw nerves against me. well i wish he wouldnt. but i never know. cos he used a few of my raw nerves against me before. those were the shallow ones. but they hurt. and given the fact that he has never apologised, i dont even know if he meant it. i think he did. ohwells, the thing is that i really like this url and i cant think of a better one at the moment. sigh. oh and i cant find the password function so i cant set a password for this page.

oh god. yujie is impossible to talk to now. i dont know what happened. he was fine before. he was fine even when i came back on the 23rd. but he's completely totally impossible to talk to now. i dont know what happened. like did i do anything to him? probably not. and if i did, why does he still bother like listening to me talk. all he does is listen and the occasional comment of yes, no, more commonly ok with the long and draggy end to it, and most common, a laugh. at things that may not be funny at all. i mean it's worse than talking to wood cos talking to wood, i dont expect response. talking to a human being, i expect response. but he doesnt give much. and doesnt talk much. yeh, i'm wondering if it's sth i did now. but he doesnt tell. and he keeps saying he's fine. and he just listens. right. i'm gonna swear. wtf!!! wtf is wrong with him?? and i ask if he's free. he says ok. so i talk. if he's busy maybe he shd hang up. and i hate talking to him online cos he misunderstands me quite often. and he isnt really chatty on msn either. oh gawd. what is wrong with him? and his old habits die hard. like really hard. nothing is confirmed for him. and sometimes i think he just doesnt want to give an early answer although he knows his answer. like last night i asked him if he wanted to watch the match today. he kept on saying he didnt know. until like today he said he didnt want. he probably could have told me like yesterday. but i guess he chose not to. i dont know why. does he find pleasure out of last minute arrangements? i have a good mind to think he does. fricking hell. all the cg arrangements all seem to be last minute. tmr there's a prayer meeting. well i'm fully booked tmr. 6pm. that's dinner time! my dinner was planned like on the 23rd. that's 4 days in advance. is it too much to ask? 4 days? i know yujie is well capable of standing pple up (i bore the brunt of it. well i hope i did. cos if i didnt, some other poor soul got stood up even more than me) but i am so not. and tmr night's dinner happens to be with mr reeves and xiu. what is xiu gonna do without me? it'd be very awkward and she'll kill me. and cancelling it is no option cos it'd reflect very badly on us and mr reeves would not feel the warmth of xmas which was the whole point cos his wife is overseas and he is all alone here. i dont care what others will think. i absolutely dont. broken and jo and yujie can go ahead and think i got my priorities wrong and as far as i'm concerned, what others think is not my concern. what i think is my concern. they can do last minute arrangements for conference calls. but not for prayer meetings. look at how early the church informs us of events. and pst derek's emails come so early. not like the cg. sigh. things have to change but i dont even know how to change it cos everyone seems to be wholly accepting of this and one person cannot change an organisation like that. sometimes i feel that this cg is becoming less organised but more impersonal. there is supposed to be an inverse relationship between these 2. less organised, more personal. but i dont know what can be done. try talking to broken? he's the only one who would probably listen and the only one who doesnt condemn my drinking and stuff but his health isnt exactly good so i dont want to bother him. not now at least.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

my christmas list...updated 211204

yay! got some things for christmas already! and i had to remove some fringe pple.
______________________________
i hope no one visits this blog or rather, no one stumbles upon this blog by some kinda fluke. ohwells, i shdnt be paranoid. i havent told a single soul of this link.

: : family : :
-dad=paris calendar
-mum=very irrestible givenchy
-shijun=esprit tee
-shijie=eiffel+incerdibles
-elim=chocs
-gramps=bonsai calendar
-yunnie=necklace

: : friends : :
-jo=alsace thinggie
-charm=beer mug + german flag
-xiu=mug
-po yew=sharing w xiu + fragrance
-darian=fragrances
-jill=mug
-michelia=necklace
-florrine=necklace
-mel=necklace

: : church : :
-yujie=££££££££££ (in case he visits)
-kenneth=book
-ck=eiffel
-mic/gab=cookies
-jin lih=chocs
-tony=chocs
-shin chee
-yijing
-zhenle=german flag
-darice=fragrance

: : misc : :
-rhea
-heidi=shower gel

am still consolidating the list. and right...i dunno wad to get most of these ppl, make that almost all. will definitely get some in france/germany/uk....but still...i dunno wad. anyhow, i'll find out soon enough anw.

Friday, December 17, 2004

oops they did it again

ugh!!!

why cant they just lay off for a while? even if they nag at me 24/7, i'm not gonna become slim and slender as they want me to be. stop telling me i'm unhealthy!! ugh!!

it's all my brother's fault. saying he's fat. i hate hate hate hate hate it when thin ppl say they're fat. it's really annoying and i feel like killing them. ppl like yujie, who could not be thinner or he'll disappear. or medaline. or my brother. or dalena. or poyew. or whoever. tonnes and tonnes of them. ok ppl like jo who put on some weight can say so. but ppl like yujie lose weight and say they're fat! i wanna strangle them!

ugh!!!

i know i'm fat ok? lay off me. gimme a break!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

1358h, 131204

Grrrr. My father is so stubborn & naggy. I'm so so so so pissed la. I don't want an SAF scholarship. Fullstop. Period. End of story. I'm sorry if you're not happy with that, dad. But it's MY life. I decide what I want. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry I can't qualify for ocs. I'm sorry I don't want a military career.
-------------------------------------
1457, 151204

sigh. yes. my parents have been nagging so so so much. sigh. am i really that fat and ugly that they have to remind me of that a few times a day? sigh. and cant they trust me a lil bit more to take care of myself? i am well capable of that. even if that means being alone in europe. and i hate it when parents vent their frustrations on us. sheesh man. i dont even know why sometimes i hold back. i shd shout back sometimes. but sigh, i shd honour my parents, even if they're unreasonable. sigh.

i miss my friends! cos they'd understand. i need ppl to understand! yes i do!

sigh. i'm so thankful i've today to myself. and hopefully i've a few days to myself in the uk.

Monday, December 13, 2004

field days

121204, 1035pm

i actually wanted to write this in the other blog but decided to keep things to myself and the blog. doubt yujie will visit this blog again. and yijing says she erases all her web history.

sigh. am i really that fat that my parents have to go on and on and on abt it? am i really that imperfect in my words and mannerisms that they have to keep saying it? sigh. i'm sorry i cant be perfect cos i am not perfect. my parents have to learn how to accept me as i am, which they cant. it's so difficult to tell them things sometimes becos they have this fixated idea of what they want and what it right and what it should be like. and sometimes i really cant meet that. if i get 2 As next year, i dont know if they'll feel more disappointment or me. i dont know if they'll feel disappointment, or wrath. sighs.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

megalomania

I’ve been indulging in megalomania on this trip. Which is really sad I think. I think too much of my strengths and try to forget my weaknesses. That is a mentality of inferiority. I look at my friends. Do I feel a sense of inferiority? Perhaps I do. Sigh. Indulgence in fantasy that will never ever come to pass is a sad thing to do, really and truly.

Monday, December 06, 2004

u bitch. dont fault me for not caring. fault me for caring too much.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

i guess i said the last paragraph last night out of a fit of anger and frustration. joseph is officially forgiven cos he sent me a nice all the best msg just now. hahaha. ohwells, i love friends who dont forget. the only 2 i can think of besides myself of cos, are xiu and jillian. i love jillian. always msging me good luck and all the best before every test, exam, or interview.

friends....

sigh. ok this is a whine msg. to my secret blog. cos i really dont want to whine to a person. it's quite tormenting on the ears. and whining abt people to another person cant be a good thing. cos that person might just leak it out.

ohwells, i have to let some things out tho. really. or i'll explode. let it out here and hopefully get over it. ok, some people are my friends. and i love them and everything. i really do. but sometimes it's sooo annoying!!!!!! grrrrrrrrr.

like jo. she's really nice and really sweet and really cool but everything EVERYTHING is like subject to her moodswings! she planned the whole bbq and then pulled out on the day itself. thank god xiu and i managed to put everything together and made it a success. and when her mood swings back, she msges me a nice msg today. grrrrrrrr. she's the gal with one of the most extreme cases of moodswings. really. honestly.

and yujie. omg. i just told clara tung yesterday he never has a definite idea on anything! NEVER! and that's like how true la. ok, he's my friend and everything but he's one of the most static beings on earth. really. never ever deciding on anything except like one minute before it has to be decided. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. the number of times he stood me up omigosh. there really is a limit. and i almost never hear a yes or no from him. it's always "maybe" or "i dont know" or my pet peeve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "see how". that is the ultimate static comment. u let situations decide for u, u decide on nothing!! and that's why he always types in the strangest ways like "eh". i dont know when was the last time he actually consciously decided on anything in advance! i lose count on the number of times i actually have to ask him before he actually comes to a decision. cos i ask way in advance and keep asking till one minute before the decision has to be made. it is then that he decides. out of pressure so he never makes any decent decisions. omg that's so so so so annoying la. like last night. he was supposedly supposed to come to stayover. yay! i was really happy cos i havent properly spoken to him for eons. when i called him at night, he said oh, he forgot to msg me. fine. was he coming? STILL MAYBE!! even when clara called him. MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE. then when he was on the bus ON THE WAY HOME, he msged me to tell me he wasnt coming. that is static through and through! only msging me when he was on the bus on the way home. omigosh. static being, being pushed by the tide and crowd and waves. living life without an big dream in life, without an aim in life! while i'm on this...we were sharing dreams today. i was the only person with a goal in life. that's so sad. static beings. i dont despise them or look down on them or anything cos they were brought up this way. in singapore. under the singaporean system. just that it's annoying!!!!!! we're supposed to meet pastor ck for lunch on fri. even then, yujie cant give me a definite answer. i'm so gonna bet my life that he's only gonna tell me one minute before lunch time whether he can make it or not. i dont know how much longer i can stand this! and he's probably the only friend, as in close friend, that i havent properly spoken to and gone out with, or at least set a date to go out with since the exams ended. he's always busy and evasive. oh god. EVASIVE!!!!! arrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yujie yujie yujie, u're so annoying.

okok. letting it out here makes me feel much better. i might let jo and yujie come here some time to look at what i wrote...but not now.

ohwells, mich called me with an emergency today. i dunno. he was my friend. but he's really nasty. a liar and everything. how could we let it happen? he's trying to hit on a nice innocent gal. i'm gonna support mich and jillian in their every attempt to break it up. i honestly sincerely think they shd.

ok i'm in such a whiney mood. i really enjoyed myself at pst ck's camp today. i learnt a lot and learnt that hey! i honour my parents a lot compared to others! but over-enthusiastic pple put me off. enthusiastic is good, it's very good. u take it too far, it's disgusting and annoying. i've a scholarship interview tmr, i told pst ck i wasnt going for tmr's camp. he said all the best for my interview. what happens when i tell the exact same thing to over-enthusiastic people? yujie said something like depends on where your priorities lie. whao!!! look, pst ck will always be there to teach us. my scholarship interview does not happen twice. priorities indeed. during the A lvls, it was me and not him that turned up for prayer meeting and stuff and me that always went for cell group and the thought of not attending cg never really crossed my mind. i never said a word. now he turns his back and questions my priorities when obviously i'm a much better prioritiser as a dynamic being, rather than a static being. even better, one-upping yujie was joseph. i got really really really annoyed at this. i told him my interview was at 2, so i had to leave before 12, not much point going. guess what he said? join in for a while! i said we'd start at 11. he asked why so late, obviously missing the point that we always start late. so i said it'd always drag and we'd play a game. this is the gem. he said can come fellowship for a while!! wow!!! it's as if it's at my house la. fellowship at jurong west for 45 min, then go home and change and go for my interview. he can just forget it. he's crazy. i'm so sorry i'm actually saying this but this is mad. it's not that i dont want to attend it, i cant. i CANT. so lay off me. my scholarship interview is obviously obviously much more important. as i've said, pst ck will always be there to teach us and impart to us.