ugh

right. back here to rant again.

my father has been absolutely pissy. ok. he did say my hair was nice. but that's all he was nice for. he's absolutely stubborn and ill-informed!! like really. ok, stop it dad. i know u want me to get an saf scholarship really really badly so u can be really really proud of me. but i am just not interested. and when i give u facts about scholars hitting the fields for 6 years...u doubt me. dont be so niave. singapore is out to numb the brains of scholars and that is a fact. the only good thing that has happened was the humans scholarship.

and i hope yujie doesnt come and visit. sigh. sometimes i wish he didnt have this url. but i cant really blame him. i think i'll move this site away soon. cos now i really cant write my deepest thoughts here. cos i'm always suspecting if he'll read this. which defeats the whole purpose. and my deepest thoughts are probably my deepest hurts and i never know when yujie might use my raw nerves against me. well i wish he wouldnt. but i never know. cos he used a few of my raw nerves against me before. those were the shallow ones. but they hurt. and given the fact that he has never apologised, i dont even know if he meant it. i think he did. ohwells, the thing is that i really like this url and i cant think of a better one at the moment. sigh. oh and i cant find the password function so i cant set a password for this page.

oh god. yujie is impossible to talk to now. i dont know what happened. he was fine before. he was fine even when i came back on the 23rd. but he's completely totally impossible to talk to now. i dont know what happened. like did i do anything to him? probably not. and if i did, why does he still bother like listening to me talk. all he does is listen and the occasional comment of yes, no, more commonly ok with the long and draggy end to it, and most common, a laugh. at things that may not be funny at all. i mean it's worse than talking to wood cos talking to wood, i dont expect response. talking to a human being, i expect response. but he doesnt give much. and doesnt talk much. yeh, i'm wondering if it's sth i did now. but he doesnt tell. and he keeps saying he's fine. and he just listens. right. i'm gonna swear. wtf!!! wtf is wrong with him?? and i ask if he's free. he says ok. so i talk. if he's busy maybe he shd hang up. and i hate talking to him online cos he misunderstands me quite often. and he isnt really chatty on msn either. oh gawd. what is wrong with him? and his old habits die hard. like really hard. nothing is confirmed for him. and sometimes i think he just doesnt want to give an early answer although he knows his answer. like last night i asked him if he wanted to watch the match today. he kept on saying he didnt know. until like today he said he didnt want. he probably could have told me like yesterday. but i guess he chose not to. i dont know why. does he find pleasure out of last minute arrangements? i have a good mind to think he does. fricking hell. all the cg arrangements all seem to be last minute. tmr there's a prayer meeting. well i'm fully booked tmr. 6pm. that's dinner time! my dinner was planned like on the 23rd. that's 4 days in advance. is it too much to ask? 4 days? i know yujie is well capable of standing pple up (i bore the brunt of it. well i hope i did. cos if i didnt, some other poor soul got stood up even more than me) but i am so not. and tmr night's dinner happens to be with mr reeves and xiu. what is xiu gonna do without me? it'd be very awkward and she'll kill me. and cancelling it is no option cos it'd reflect very badly on us and mr reeves would not feel the warmth of xmas which was the whole point cos his wife is overseas and he is all alone here. i dont care what others will think. i absolutely dont. broken and jo and yujie can go ahead and think i got my priorities wrong and as far as i'm concerned, what others think is not my concern. what i think is my concern. they can do last minute arrangements for conference calls. but not for prayer meetings. look at how early the church informs us of events. and pst derek's emails come so early. not like the cg. sigh. things have to change but i dont even know how to change it cos everyone seems to be wholly accepting of this and one person cannot change an organisation like that. sometimes i feel that this cg is becoming less organised but more impersonal. there is supposed to be an inverse relationship between these 2. less organised, more personal. but i dont know what can be done. try talking to broken? he's the only one who would probably listen and the only one who doesnt condemn my drinking and stuff but his health isnt exactly good so i dont want to bother him. not now at least.