L.O.V.E

i am suddenly inspired to write a book. entitled "L.O.V.E - The Universal Panacea". such a raw idea. but i believe i can make it work.

L-Literacy
O-Openhandedness
V-Values
E-Enterprise

if we can get the whole world to be run on values (sound values, which means sound governance and that includes the lack of corruption and a sense of altruism), and the rich countries can be openhanded (generous, not just towards their own people but to the less developed world), and literacy (education, which is undoubtedly the most powerful tool to escape the poverty cycle) is promoted world-wide and enterprise (capitalism, free trade without protectionism) is allowed, the world would be a much better place. we might be able to get rid of poverty in our generation. i would not be surprised. the thing is, this takes the effort of the whole world. and with the darkened hearts of men, it's a virtual impossibility.

it will be a creative touch to an academic book. i don't think i've seen that before. but why not? i can imagine the blurb already. hahaha.

anw, my new dream. fall 2010 - kennedy school of government masters in public policy. finish nus in three years. and then spend two years on masters here. five years in total. but i graduate with a masters degree. 25% acceptance rate for mpp. so i must knock out three pple. hahaha. for the mpp, they have 20-25% intl students. for the mpa, they have 40-45%! wow.

• work experience - i need to get internship next summer. doesnt matter what internship. preferably work the whole summer.
  
• proficiency in economics - do well in the current international economy module here at harvard and all econs modules in nus. maybe take a few more econs modules.
  
• get good recommendations - recommendations for where i'm weakest to prop me up. if my cv makes it sufficiently clear that i'm good at that aspect, i don't need a recommendation from there.
  
• demonstrate commitment to public service - must join pap youth wing when i get back. social-enterprise? beijing 2009 - start something off there in the uni? commitment to serving in church too.
  
• prepare for graduate record examination (gre) - start looking into it, take courses if necessary, brush up on stats and math, and go achieve! emphasis on math section, not language section because the admissions office understands that some applicants whose first language is not english will not do as well in the language section.
  

harvard john f kennedy school of government masters of public policy class of 2012 - aaron chew. a new dream. :)

a good night out

i had a good night out. but i'm not in the best state of minds right now. ji msged to ask if i wanted to hang out tonight. so i went to meet her, we grabbed a beer, and hung out. we supposed to hang out under the stars (she said it was romantic, not in a bgr kinda way - whatever that meant), but the night was too cold. so we just sat inside cabot.

we did not do anything beyond talk. for about 2 hours. but somehow, i felt something. i felt that i havent connected with a female like that since, well, her. it felt so ridiculous to me because she is leaving on thursday, and she's from korea...which is far far away. and to top it all, she is attached. and hence, i was certain that i would not make any moves. not one. and so i did not. i still maintained my rationale self which knew the difference between right and wrong. phew! but still, i felt something. and i felt that she was dropping some stuff too. it wasnt just me.

now i'm confused. what does this mean for me? i suspect i'm facing a late rebound. which is possible. but this is very late. does this mean i'm ready to start dating again? i suspect not either. i'm not prepared for all that commitment, and maintaining someone. so maybe it means yes...i'm over her! but i thought i moved on long ago. but one things for sure, i've faith in the forest again. full of girls with potential. i think i need to look beyond singapore.

thank god for giving me the wisdom to do the right thing at the right time. aaron chew - the quintessential gentleman. hahahaha!!

hati hamba

my jesus my lord
u're the love of my life
wherever u go
wanna be by your side
no longer i
but christ living in me
serving u for all eternity
my eyes set on u
in this race that i run
no longer my ways
let your will be done
make me a servant
my heart ever true
clinging to the cross
i'll follow u

every time i listen to this song, i am reminded. it's not wherever i go, i want u to be by my side. it's wherever YOU go, wanna be by your side. if it's your will i go back to singapore, so be it lord. but help me through. it will be hard. love u lord.

u don't know the heat of hell until u've tasted the cool of heaven

in all honesty, i'm really dreading going back to singapore. not because of singapore itself. i love singapore. i love the people, i love the food, i love the safety. i really miss my friends.

but going back to singapore also means going back to nus. i really cannot imagine studying there right now. i really can't. u don't know the heat of hell until u've tasted the cool of heaven. after being here, experiencing the academic environment, meeting the pple, falling in love with the place, seeing that it's a tetrazillion times better than nus, i really don't know how i can go back and face take the education there seriously and pretend that i'm getting a university education. i really really dread the notion of going back there. and it's not just the studies. my parents are much nicer when i'm overseas. hahaha. they don't really nag. i'm allowed to really live my life the way i want to live my life. this was all i dreamed about when i was in jc and army. this was everything i wanted. and it makes me miserable to think that i gave it all up. 

these are the times that are really trying on my faith. to trust that god has the best in mind for me is so difficult in such circumstances. but i want to trust him. god help me.

i can do without shopping. i can do without a lot of stuff. but i need to find fulfillment. i cannot do without it. my life in nus was not fulfilling. and having been there for a year. i really cannot figure out how to make it fulfilling. i just cannot. being here is expensive. an overseas university education would be even more expensive. but it is worth every cent.

as i think about my future, i know that i am going to school my children overseas. i mustn't allow them to make the same mistake as i did. if i have children at 32 (seems like a good age) and 34, my children will go off to university when i am around 50 or slightly past. by that time, i believe an overseas education would cost at least half a million dollars per kid. 2 children would be 1 million dollars. i don't need to have that money liquid and on hand immediately, but i need a significant portion of it.

ntuc income policy (maturing when i am 49) - $50k

buy and sell hdb flat - $500,000

annual savings ($2000 per month x 2 incomes x 14 months x 25 years) - $1,400,000

that adds up to - $1,950,000

the first two are (almost) definite. now, are monthly savings of $2000 possible? assuming i start with a $4000 job.

tithe - $400

offering - $200

phone - $200

food - $600

car - $1000 (loan, petrol, parking, road tax)

leisure & misc - $400

that's $2800. savings would only be $1200, or $1000 to be conservative. that is without paying housing loans and utilities yet. which means this will be when i'm living under my parents' roof. i don't think i can do that indefinitely. i like my own space. which poses a big problem. so redo the calculations.

annual savings ($1000 x 2 incomes x 14 months x 25 years) - $700,000

which means i will only have a total of $1,250,000. if i send both the kids overseas, my wife and i will only be left with $250,000. doesn't feel very comfortable.

this also means something else. this also means that my wife must work. which means when we have kids, we need to hire help. before kids, i'm sure i can handle all the cleaning (if i marry a domestically-handicapped girl) and i doubt we will be cooking a lot.

maybe just have one kid and give that kid the best. i don't know. all i know is that i don't want my children to suffer in nus the way i did. as far as i'm concerned, nus is not good enough for my children. if they don't want a university education and want to pursue their own dreams (start a business, be an artist, go on a humanitarian mission), fine by me. but i must have half a million dollars to support them and give them the initial push. leave them a smaller inheritance when i die lor. hahahaha.

i don't want to go back to nus. i don't want i don't want i don't want!!!

不靠才能不靠势力

每当我感到孤单，彷徨，神通过这首歌安慰我，提醒我他是全能的神，而我应不靠才能不靠势力，依靠圣灵的大能，让奇迹降临。这首歌真的表达出了我的心声。感谢主，无论发生什么，祢的恩典够我用。

http://www.imeem.com/people/yrf2hau/music/-KZmrGsT/city_harvest_chinese_church_quan_neng_de_shenaif/

歌词：
全能的神

你能力无限

有了祢

万事都有可能

纵使大山在眼前

祢也能够挪去

在祢绝对没有

难成事

主每当我软弱无力

祢的恩典够我用

只要我能够相信

奇迹必会降临

不靠才能不靠势力

依靠圣灵的能力

只要我全心呼求

奇迹必会降临

只要坚定来宣告

就有奇迹

坚定相信就必会成就

if i had a choice...

i'd stay at harvard. and work in new york. and not return to singapore for the next few years. i miss yujie, i miss darian, i miss seb. i miss my whole family!!! i miss church. but i will survive.

she called

she left a missed call at 6am (which was 6pm her time). and i told yujie, who went to speak to her. and went out of his way to try to make me talk to her. the truth is, i've moved on. i don't want to talk to her. not now at least. i don't want to bring myself back to that state where i'm upset and needy. i don't have anyone to turn to to cry here. it's so scary being all alone here, half the planet away from my friends. the relationship was my decision and it started under my initiation and i must say that there were good times. but towards the end, it was just so distasteful i couldnt wait to get out of it. and despite the relief after getting out, i still felt depressed. so depressed. and i've moved on. it didn't take that long. but it would be longer than most guys would talk to get over their failed relationships i guess. i'm finally checking girls out again and stuff. which i did not do after the breakup. i'm starting to picture myself being in a happy relationship again. of cos there is no face to the girl yet. but this is good. and i dont want to talk to her. it will just take me back to where i don't want to be. i was a little annoyed with yujie for edging her on to contact me. i guess he did it with good intentions. he's a real friend. but still...he shd have consulted me. anw, she gave me a missed call, she msged me on msn, she msged me on skype. gawd. i ignored all of them. give it time. i'm on very good terms with the previous girl now. we chat, we meet up, we laugh. but it took time. well, for now, with this one, oh gosh, the distaste. i will get over it. i always do.

one thing about life. bad experiences leave wounds. wounds heal. they turn into scars. scars are ugly. but they don't hurt. u forget about scars. u dont forget about wounds.