u don't know the heat of hell until u've tasted the cool of heaven

in all honesty, i'm really dreading going back to singapore. not because of singapore itself. i love singapore. i love the people, i love the food, i love the safety. i really miss my friends.

but going back to singapore also means going back to nus. i really cannot imagine studying there right now. i really can't. u don't know the heat of hell until u've tasted the cool of heaven. after being here, experiencing the academic environment, meeting the pple, falling in love with the place, seeing that it's a tetrazillion times better than nus, i really don't know how i can go back and face take the education there seriously and pretend that i'm getting a university education. i really really dread the notion of going back there. and it's not just the studies. my parents are much nicer when i'm overseas. hahaha. they don't really nag. i'm allowed to really live my life the way i want to live my life. this was all i dreamed about when i was in jc and army. this was everything i wanted. and it makes me miserable to think that i gave it all up. 

these are the times that are really trying on my faith. to trust that god has the best in mind for me is so difficult in such circumstances. but i want to trust him. god help me.

i can do without shopping. i can do without a lot of stuff. but i need to find fulfillment. i cannot do without it. my life in nus was not fulfilling. and having been there for a year. i really cannot figure out how to make it fulfilling. i just cannot. being here is expensive. an overseas university education would be even more expensive. but it is worth every cent.

as i think about my future, i know that i am going to school my children overseas. i mustn't allow them to make the same mistake as i did. if i have children at 32 (seems like a good age) and 34, my children will go off to university when i am around 50 or slightly past. by that time, i believe an overseas education would cost at least half a million dollars per kid. 2 children would be 1 million dollars. i don't need to have that money liquid and on hand immediately, but i need a significant portion of it.

ntuc income policy (maturing when i am 49) - $50k

buy and sell hdb flat - $500,000

annual savings ($2000 per month x 2 incomes x 14 months x 25 years) - $1,400,000

that adds up to - $1,950,000

the first two are (almost) definite. now, are monthly savings of $2000 possible? assuming i start with a $4000 job.

tithe - $400

offering - $200

phone - $200

food - $600

car - $1000 (loan, petrol, parking, road tax)

leisure & misc - $400

that's $2800. savings would only be $1200, or $1000 to be conservative. that is without paying housing loans and utilities yet. which means this will be when i'm living under my parents' roof. i don't think i can do that indefinitely. i like my own space. which poses a big problem. so redo the calculations.

annual savings ($1000 x 2 incomes x 14 months x 25 years) - $700,000

which means i will only have a total of $1,250,000. if i send both the kids overseas, my wife and i will only be left with $250,000. doesn't feel very comfortable.

this also means something else. this also means that my wife must work. which means when we have kids, we need to hire help. before kids, i'm sure i can handle all the cleaning (if i marry a domestically-handicapped girl) and i doubt we will be cooking a lot.

maybe just have one kid and give that kid the best. i don't know. all i know is that i don't want my children to suffer in nus the way i did. as far as i'm concerned, nus is not good enough for my children. if they don't want a university education and want to pursue their own dreams (start a business, be an artist, go on a humanitarian mission), fine by me. but i must have half a million dollars to support them and give them the initial push. leave them a smaller inheritance when i die lor. hahahaha.

i don't want to go back to nus. i don't want i don't want i don't want!!!